Have you ever fallen head over heels for someone, that was way out of your league in seemingly every conceivable way? What if that person treated your goofy self better than you’ve ever been treated in your life? What if that person was already in a relationship? What if said relationship was failing?
I don’t know if I’ve got a shot, or if I even deserve one, but… I can’t help feeling how I feel. Even though she has been so sweet, I honestly don’t know if she has the slightest interest in me. All I’ve got that might point to yes (or maybe), is a question that I can’t even get acknowledged by her. Still, I admitted my feelings, in no uncertain terms, today.
When I write, sometimes I can’t stop myself from letting out all of the thoughts I’m thinking, and emotions I’m feeling. It is what it is, I am a fairly honest and open person when I’m writing. Ultimately, I want her to be happy, as happy as she makes me. It’s next to impossible to feel bad around her. Even though I shouldn’t feel like I do because I ain’t s***, got no money and no plan, and neither of us are exactly on solid footing in our respective lives, this is how I feel. I would do anything for her, be there for her no matter what. Is this love that I’m feeling deep inside, that’s making hard to breathe, that’s making me feel like a real and genuine person for the first time in my life? In truth, I’m afraid to say…
She said she’s pretty much resigned herself to the fate that her current relationship is doomed to fail. I said I’d be there to catch her if it does. If she calls on me, I will drop everything in the joke of the life I’m living and go to her. I’ve been afraid to leave, because well, this life I have here may not be a worthwhile one, but it’s simple and easy. That makes it hard to step away, because when I do, it’s gone forever. Deep down I knew I’d never be whisked away, never be saved, from the life I have here. But… I’ve always dreamed, over the four+ years I’ve been struggling internally with leaving, there would be a good reason to go when I finally went. She is the best.
I don’t know what happens next. I won’t be seeing her again for about three days. Things will have changed in my own life in that time. It’s going to be a long and… really long, weekend. Guess we’ll see how it goes.
Until our next.
To be continued…
UPDATE: Should have mentioned this… why I’m gonna be waiting over the weekend to see how this transpires, is because a whole host of factors stemming from the spur-of-the-moment nature of my admission prevented any conclusions from being made at the time. All that’s been established… is that I didn’t get shot down then & there.
Yes, this stuff is complicated, and I’m in WAY over my head. And no, trying to sort everything out in my head while dealing with emotions I’ve never had before isn’t helping. Thanks for asking.