What Turning 30 Means…

Warning, incoming rant..

Warning, incoming rant..

In the wii hours of the morning on February 9th, 2015, I will officially turn 30 years old.  It’s a milestone year, and nice, round numbers are typically thought of as a good time for reflection.  The word reflect itself calls to mind something quiet, thoughtful, and personal.  It’s really hard though, to keep it calm and cool when reflecting on the first 30 years of my life.

DIGITAL CAMERA

Whaddya mean smile? This *is* my happy face..

The barely functional walking disaster you see before you has come a long way just to get to “barely functional walking disaster”, as a few of you who have traded with me over the years can probably attest.  There’s no sense of accomplishment that comes with the knowledge that you’ve done as much as you have to get to where you are when you still feel this wrecked.  I might be in a nominally better place than I was in some ways, but ultimately, all I see is what hasn’t changed, what hasn’t been accomplished.

I’m still in the exact same circumstances I started in, and I still don’t know how to get out of them.  I still live in the same godforsaken place.  I’m still basically unemployable.  I still can’t hold up my end of a conversation in real life.  I’m still a fat, lazy slob.  I’ve still never been in a relationship.  The stability of my mental health and well-being that makes up the sum of all of the above is still a very clearly dubious thing.  It’s horrible and it sucks.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not giving up.  It’s just frustrating to look back and ruminate on how sideways a person’s life can go without even having a bad upbringing or the discovery of a predilection for illicit substances along the way (besides shiny cardboard, of course).  Just being some combination of bipolar/borderline/aspergery can screw a person up just as bad as trauma and drug abuse.  I feel a million times more guilty about it too, because it’s hard to explain when you have no specific trauma or addiction you can point out to people to explain why you are the way you are.

I’m just a fucked up weirdo who happens to be self-aware enough to realize it, but not smart, or maybe schooled is more accurate, enough to explain it or make sense of it.

It just doesn’t feel good to feel like you’ve let down every single person that’s ever cared about you and/or saw potential in you.  Isn’t that a fun thing to feel whenever you can’t distract yourself hard enough?  I don’t know if, if somehow I managed to accomplish all the dreams I’ve ever had, that I could ever make it up to everybody I’ve let down in my first 30 years.

The truth is, I’m just scared.  Afraid to fail, afraid to succeed.  I don’t trust myself.  I don’t believe in myself.  I feel like a giant fraud, and I’m afraid I’ll never stop seeing/feeling/living life this way.

Griffey commission..

Griffey commission..

Here’s a handy case-in-point.  This is the sketch card commission I did for The Junior Junkie.  He said he loved it and plans to give it a place of honor in his collection, but all I can see is how much unexpected difficulty I had with it, and the resulting mistakes I made in trying to get it looking right.

When I look back, the failure is all I see.  Failed potential, wasted talent, all the dreams I’ve let fall by the wayside because I’m too scared and lazy and damaged and stupid and hopeless to even take the first step.  There’s nothing about me I see that anybody could ever find worthwhile in me…

I think what might scare most in this very moment though, is that while I’m writing this at 30 years old, and I fear that I might not having anything positive to change about it, or add to it, by the time I revisit it on the morning of my 40th birthday.

#DirtyThirty

Pure Card Porn

Billy Williams RC!

Billy Williams RC!

I’m miserable and cranky and pissed off about so many things I don’t even know where to begin, so I’m just going to show off a 12-pack of card porn to lighten the mood, because the mood definitely needs lightened.  So let us take refuge in the cards… These are all mine, picked up by various means over the past few months.  Yes, including that beautiful beat up Billy Williams RC at the top of the post (cost: $3 on COMC on Black Friday 2013).

Frank Thomas Jersey & Card Frame..

Frank Thomas Jersey & Card Frame..

This was also part of the trade with Shot Not Taken.  It didn’t make it into that post for the simple fact that it was still in my backpack and didn’t get scanned until around two weeks later.

Draft Picks & Prospects Neftali Feliz Purplefractor..

2009 Draft Picks & Prospects Neftali Feliz Purplefractor RC..

This came out of a random discounted fat pack I stumbled across towards the end of last year.

Roxxi Laveaux Printing Plate Autograph..

Roxxi Printing Plate Autograph..

Possibly the earliest pickup here.  Cool printing plate with a sticker auto stuck on it of perhaps the single most underutilized woman in the history of TNA’s Knockout division.  And that’s saying something, when they also severely underutilized Ayako Hamada, who might be the single most talented lady wrestler in the world, and of course my girl Sarita, who has gone onto to bigger success in both Mexico and Japan.

2013 Bowman EJ Manuel Orange parallel #'ed 54/299..

2013 Bowman EJ Manuel Orange parallel #’ed 54/299..

The back compares him to competent game manager Alex Smith.  I don’t know how to feel about that…

2008 Donruss Elite Extra Edition Cat Osterman Collegiate Patches Autograph..

2008 Donruss Elite Extra Edition Cat Osterman Collegiate Patches Autograph #’ed 160/250..

It is the realest shame Panini ran this concept into the ground so fast, because this card, much like Cat herself, is absolutely spectacular.

Bloodlines Liz Carmouche auto..

Bloodlines Liz Carmouche auto..

Here’s a fearsome and fantastic addition to my fledgling Girlrilla page, which is now up to TWO.

Milk Duds Billy Williams..

Milk Duds Billy Williams..

More Billy Williams!  This time it’s super beat up vintage food-based oddball goodness.

2003 Topps Traded Shin- Soo Choo Gold #'ed /2003..

2003 Topps Traded Shin- Soo Choo Gold #’ed /2003..

I’ve been jonesing for a new addition to my Shin-Soo Choo page for awhile now, and this is what I came away with.

BowChro Aramis RC..

BowChro Aramis RC..

The desire to break 100 cards with another player does not preclude me from getting more cards of future Hall of Famer Aramis Ramirez.  This was one of a half dozen newbies of him in my latest COMC shipment.  They may crop up here & there over time.

Heroes & Prospects Andre Dawson Jersey..

Heroes & Prospects Andre Dawson Jersey..

Whine about lack of logos all you want, you big babies.  This card just oozes class. 😉

'09 iMPACT! Booker T auto #'ed /60..

’09 iMPACT! Booker T auto #’ed /60..

Closing out this post with my favorite wrestler of all-time!  Booker T autos are extremely hard to come by cheaply (dog tag auto aside), but I managed to secure this bad mamma-jamma on COMC for $8.  It’s even an inscribed version.  Unlike every other WWE reject, Booker never won the TNA World Title, but they did create a brand new vanity belt (later renamed and became their midcard title) specifically for him.  So I guess he’s got that going for him, which is nice.

That’s all for now.  Time to go work on some half-baked novel writing or some such.  Thanks for stopping by, and we’ll be seeing y’all again real soon.

Until our next…