What Turning 30 Means…

Warning, incoming rant..

Warning, incoming rant..

In the wii hours of the morning on February 9th, 2015, I will officially turn 30 years old.  It’s a milestone year, and nice, round numbers are typically thought of as a good time for reflection.  The word reflect itself calls to mind something quiet, thoughtful, and personal.  It’s really hard though, to keep it calm and cool when reflecting on the first 30 years of my life.

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Whaddya mean smile? This *is* my happy face..

The barely functional walking disaster you see before you has come a long way just to get to “barely functional walking disaster”, as a few of you who have traded with me over the years can probably attest.  There’s no sense of accomplishment that comes with the knowledge that you’ve done as much as you have to get to where you are when you still feel this wrecked.  I might be in a nominally better place than I was in some ways, but ultimately, all I see is what hasn’t changed, what hasn’t been accomplished.

I’m still in the exact same circumstances I started in, and I still don’t know how to get out of them.  I still live in the same godforsaken place.  I’m still basically unemployable.  I still can’t hold up my end of a conversation in real life.  I’m still a fat, lazy slob.  I’ve still never been in a relationship.  The stability of my mental health and well-being that makes up the sum of all of the above is still a very clearly dubious thing.  It’s horrible and it sucks.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not giving up.  It’s just frustrating to look back and ruminate on how sideways a person’s life can go without even having a bad upbringing or the discovery of a predilection for illicit substances along the way (besides shiny cardboard, of course).  Just being some combination of bipolar/borderline/aspergery can screw a person up just as bad as trauma and drug abuse.  I feel a million times more guilty about it too, because it’s hard to explain when you have no specific trauma or addiction you can point out to people to explain why you are the way you are.

I’m just a fucked up weirdo who happens to be self-aware enough to realize it, but not smart, or maybe schooled is more accurate, enough to explain it or make sense of it.

It just doesn’t feel good to feel like you’ve let down every single person that’s ever cared about you and/or saw potential in you.  Isn’t that a fun thing to feel whenever you can’t distract yourself hard enough?  I don’t know if, if somehow I managed to accomplish all the dreams I’ve ever had, that I could ever make it up to everybody I’ve let down in my first 30 years.

The truth is, I’m just scared.  Afraid to fail, afraid to succeed.  I don’t trust myself.  I don’t believe in myself.  I feel like a giant fraud, and I’m afraid I’ll never stop seeing/feeling/living life this way.

Griffey commission..

Griffey commission..

Here’s a handy case-in-point.  This is the sketch card commission I did for The Junior Junkie.  He said he loved it and plans to give it a place of honor in his collection, but all I can see is how much unexpected difficulty I had with it, and the resulting mistakes I made in trying to get it looking right.

When I look back, the failure is all I see.  Failed potential, wasted talent, all the dreams I’ve let fall by the wayside because I’m too scared and lazy and damaged and stupid and hopeless to even take the first step.  There’s nothing about me I see that anybody could ever find worthwhile in me…

I think what might scare most in this very moment though, is that while I’m writing this at 30 years old, and I fear that I might not having anything positive to change about it, or add to it, by the time I revisit it on the morning of my 40th birthday.

#DirtyThirty

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Something Changed

I didn’t understand it immediately, but now that I’m ready to sleep, I finally get it.  See, tonight I colored several old sketch cards.  I finally busted out the markers again after an extremely long hiatus.  After I finished, I noticed how much worse I’ve gotten at coloring during that stretch.  I did color a few things with watercolor pencils between marker usage, but even that was rare (four-ish times total).

The thing about this realization is that it means I actually used to be fairly good at it!  I rarely ever liked how it turned out, and I could get sloppy & botchy at times, but looking back, I could blend & shade quite well.  This is such a strange, and strangely exciting, feeling.  Through all the shit I’ve been through, and fighting like hell to become something resembling a semi-functional human being (still got a looooooooooong way to go), I’ve never been able to look back and see anything good or worthwhile in the rear-view mirror of my life.

It’s weird, even though I’ve fallen off dramatically, realizing I was decent for awhile… And that whole time, I was hating myself and 90% of my art the entire time I was doing this good work.  I still do, and I might always struggle with my total lack of self-confidence.  But this made me realize, I got to ease up on myself a little bit.  I’m never quite going to be normal or be able to work a regular job for any length of time or whatever, but that isn’t the end of the world.  I can always do better at life, but I need to chill the hell out a little bit.

I didn’t get good at coloring sketch cards, or keep at it long enough/frequently enough to, because I was so hard on myself.  If anything, hating and feeling like a failure made it harder to do.  So yeah, this probably isn’t the first weird little realization I’ve had like this, and who knows if it will stick, but I guess it says a something positive that I even noticed it, and extrapolated something good that I can potentially use going forward, from an actual failing.

Beats kicking myself for failings nobody else will ever even notice or care about, assuming they’re failings that even exist at all.

Colors... So... Flat...

Hey colors, why u so flat? 😦

 

Blogger’s Saving Throw

SOMEDAY I will complete the 500 Home Run Club post, but that is not tonight.  Tonight we take it easy, take it slow.  Yeah, we’re just gonna touch on a few pressing issues, just for the sake of doing a post.

• First thing first.  I mentioned it on twitter, and it’s half the reason I haven’t felt like blogging for the past few days.  It kinda bummed me out.  My Allen & Ginter cards fell on the floor a few days ago.  Fortunately, relatively few were damaged, and only a half dozen severely so.  Unfortunately, most of the severely damaged ones were intended for Night Owl.  I’m really really sorry, but a few of the A&G meant for you are pretty much ruined.  The bat card, the SP, and the base Dodgers are undamaged, but I think most of the regular base have had it.  Again, I am really sorry about this.

• Moving on, I’ve wasted a s***load of money on several 2009 Topps Chrome fat/rack pack things.  They have seven cards and one or (usually, judging by my packs) two parallels or inserts per pack for $5.  As of right now, I’ve sworn off of them.  Here is what I have of them to trade.  Take note, most of the first two packs, typed up in a recent post, fell in a separate incident and were damaged beyond saving, and a select few already have potential homes.  Anyway, here is what is available.

Base-

1, A-Rod, 9 Mike Lowell, 12 Stephen Drew, 25 Garrett Atkins, 27 Francisco Liriano, 62 Chase Utley, 69 Max Scherzer, 94 Joe Mauer, 196 Rickie Weeks, 113 Magglio Ordonez, 124  Joe Nathan, 132 Derek Lowe, 142 Yovani Gallardo, 178 Scott Lewis Indians RC, 179 George Kotteras Red Sox RC, 190 Andrew Bailey A’s RC, 194 Elvis Andrus Rangers RC, 217 Brett Cecil Blue Jays RC, 218 Derek Holland Rangers RC

Refractors-

118 Andy Pettitte, 139 Ryan Howard

X-Fractors-

108 Howie Kendrick, 187 Jesse Chavez Pirates RC

• Here is a random pack break of ’09 Score football, for the heck (trying hard to cuss less) of it:

230 Hines Ward

193 Brandon Jacobs

119 Matt Schaub

154 Davone Bess

17 Martellus Bennett Young Stars

335 Devin Moore Seahawks RC

106 Donald Lee Glossy Parallel

Pretty cool looking cards.  I want to get all the Bears in this set, and Cutler if he isn’t in a Bears uniform.

• It’s a purely theoretical assumption, but hopefully asking here will be the simplest way.  I sent out packages to Baseball Dad, Indians, Baseball Cards, and Random Wax (Is this a name change alert? I haven’t been paying much attention for a few days…) and Heartbreaking Cards of Staggering Genius.  I believe they went out last Monday.  Have any of you gotten them?  And was there anything useful for the former two gentlemen?

• Oh, so you can see just how in over my head I am when it comes to trading, here’s my overall Trade/Send Stuff Queue and how far along everything is.  Note that the order of readiness doesn’t mean order it will be sent (aside from the first one), size of the package and my random sense of focus-ness will determine that:

Night Owl (EDIT: SENT!)

Dinged Corners (EDIT: SENT!!!!!!!!!!!  After this monster of a package, I had to go buy more cases to send cards in.  They’ve gone up in price… >.<)

Cardboard Junkie– Being a Lonestarr Special, I suppose this one is Nearly Ready.

Sooz– Nearly Ready, Jeter Sketch Card just needs finished.

Marie– Must Email; but all potential cards are organized.

Wicked Ortega– (EDIT: EMAILED)

Beardy– Must Email; but pretty much all potential cards are organized.

JD’s Daddy– (EDIT: This trade is ACTIVE.)

Wax Heaven– SASE About Ready, just need to finish Andrew Miller Sketch Card, which isn’t as far along as I thought or hoped. (SASE is for ’09 UD Football Heroes inserts, btw Mario)

Nachos Grande– Must Email and Organizing; slightly further along than ones below.

McCann Can Triple– Organizing.

White Sox Cards– Organizing.

Sharpe Since ’92– Early Stages.  Was it just for random A&G minis?  In any case, I must see what else I can offer.

Shot Not Taken– Where To Begin…

Wow, that is madness… I didn’t even realize I had that much stuff in the works.  And I bet that isn’t even one of the longest trade queues going.  Now if I only had an even remotely acceptable excuse for my slowness and/or laziness. *le sigh*

I guess that does it for now.  If I forgot to put anyone in the neverending conga line of trades/sends that should be there, let me know please, and I will correct it.  Back to looking over Night Owl‘s epic checklist.  His cards go out around Wednesday-ish.  The rest… I don’t know.  I’m sorry.

… Did I mention I’m sorry? 😦